Monday, July 19, 2010

Fear and Trepidation

We live in Tennessee now. I have the Tennessee licence plate to prove it! ( of course now I have trouble finding my car in parking lots) For months now I have been saying,"Jack has a new job. It is a great job. It will involve some travel. I am going to stay at home and make sure we all adjust and settle in." These words have been recited, stated, but never actually came true,.....until now.

So far this summer Jack has gone away for at most, 2 days. It has been blissful having him come home from work each night. We eat meals together, we do things on the weekends together, and he helps me in so many ways. When Jack and I discussed his new job and travel we tried to figure out HOW MUCH travel he would do. It became clearer that his travel would come in spurts. Maybe not much for awhile and then it would pick up and he would be gone more.

A spurt is starting, it will become a squirt, and right after school starts for the girls more of a stream. I am hoping we don't get to a raging river anytime soon. The problem is for me, I am now scared. Not quaking in my boots terrified. I know things will be fine, but up until now, I had Jack as a constant safety net in this new land. Together we were explorers and discoverers. When he is in another state, I am the Sole Survivor. I do not have the comfort of my network. I do in spirit but not physically. The fear of being completely on my own creeps up on me sometimes even though I know I can handle things.

I do have options, I am strong, fierce, and of course friendly. I am never shy about asking for help. If needed, I know I can pull out the "we just moved here and I need help and my husband is away card." (as I cry naturally) As stated in previous entries, crying works sometimes. Jack will also tell you that I can conquer anything life throws at me. He is often proud of how I tackle a problem on my own. The other side of that is, usually at a time of crisis I am calm and collected. Then I call Jack to fill him in, and fall to pieces.

So how do I face my fear? One way is to set up a new support system. This has some problems, it takes time and how do I want to do it? Where do I start? Is it church? the Y? volunteering somewhere? I have a blank slate. Which way to go first? Certainly not to many at a time or I will end up stressed and crazy as I was at times in Delaware. I am torn between having involvement so I won't be so alone and then being to involved. For the time being, I think I will continue to lay low, on the prowl, deciding which path to follow first.

I will continue to keep my faith and my humor, perhaps I can laugh the fear away. If that doesn't work, I will call Jack on his cell phone when he is in other states and cry.

1 comment:

  1. Ingrid - you are a strong, even powerful, woman! You got this. You can do it! You have been careful to lay down some boundaries to help you be able to face this challenge - like putting the kids in camp, deciding you won't work this year, researching schools & gymnastics & karate & churches & Ys. You are gonna do fine, and you are such a social being that the support network will unfold before your eyes. I have faith in you. And when it's scary, you already have a support network you can call and cry and have boost you up anytime. And we love you!